"I hate performers who try to be so hum-bull!
I'm getting my act together and I'm throwing it in your face...
I want to insult every member of the human race.
I'm Agnus Angst. I don't kiss ass. I don't say thanks."

"We are micro-SPECKS on SPECKship earth. And, tonight, a group of assorted SPECKS arranged themselves into the shape of a SPECK audience and came here to watch a SPECK on stage who wants to be a star SPECK."

"This will be a night of sharing for the 'sharing impaired'. We are all soul mates after all in the vast cosmic dustbin of intergalactic space. The universe contains at least one hundred billion galaxies. Each galaxy contains at least one hundred billion stars. You do the math."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Go ahead, I dare you! Download at your own peril because it's what inside my head and I hope I blow-up your %!#@* speakers!"

"What's coming up for me is something from my own soap opera. I look at my family, I feel like a detached retina. They always took me to a fast-food place and then said, "Eat slowly".

"The last conversation I had with my dad was between our tee-shirts. His said, "Science is Truth Found Out." Mine said, "The Truth Can Be Made Up If You Know How."

"As I was leaving to come to the Un-Club tonight, my gramdmother speck said, 'As long as you're going out, take out the trash.'

I look around the room. I see her seashells shadow box and her lima bean and split pea mosaic and decoupage hanging over granddaddy speck's Berkline recliner rocker, the kind they give away on game shows.

I see her imitation Early American maple coffee table in the shape of a wagon wheel.

I see her salt and pepper shaker collection on the simu-Early American knickknack shelf.

I see this wrought-iron lamppost with this ceramic drunk leaning against it.

I see it, but I don't believe it. Take out the trash? I wanted to say, 'I wouldn't know where to begin.' "

LILY: "I worry that humanity has been advanced to its present level of incompetency' because evolution works on the Peter Principle. I worry no matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark but so can the fleas. One thing that I have no worry about is whether God exists. It has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist."

LILY: "And here we are careening recklessly into the next millenium. I don't know about you, but I'm not packed... I feel as though I've been lost and bewildered most of my life. Like the time I bought a wastepaper basket and I carried it home in a paper bag. And when I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastepaper basket."

"I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING VITAL
I JUST READ IN THIS SELF-HELP BOOK
I TOOK FROM THE TRASH CAN
IN THE LADIES ROOM
HOUSE OF PANCAKES
"WILL" BY G. GORDON LIDDY
MASTER OF THE WATERGATE CAPER
MY NEW GURU.
WHO WHEN HOLDING HIS HAND
OVER A LIT CANDLE SAID,
"THE TRICK IS NOT TO MIND IT."

"THE CANDLELIGHT SERVICE
IS ABOUT TO BEGIN
ANYONE WHO WANTS TO
IS WELCOME TO COME IN..."

"I DIDN'T MIND IT
WHEN I LEARNED
THE PHRASE
'TRUTH IN ADVERTISNG'
WAS JUST SOME LIE
THOUGHT UP BY SOME GUY
IN ADVERTISING"